do i really need help

ok..its like sometimes, ppl just get depressed over nth and some ppl just like erm..i dunno think its a joke or sth...esp , i think anyway, if the person were to be me...im mean..i look so cheerful! i cant like help it...its like sometimes, i feel concern of a person..i dunno whether im doing it cos i feel like it or cos i know its the correct thing to do! its like...ok this person didnt come to class, if i were free i would like call her up and ask how she was...was that just to make the person like me more, and like somehow remind her, hey im in this class too, or was i really concerned? is it becos im so used to this mask of mine that i sort of like can act veri happy despite me being sad when im alone? i tried to look for support, but i dunno who to trust, or is it just that im afraid to be alone? or wat?

im so scared and terrified of next yr, of my life..of this whole sequence thing! its like first u do this then you do that, if u are not good at this...theres nth that can make you feel better!say like my gpa this yr...its like, ok higher than wat i expected, and silently happy that i was higher than some ppl...but today when mingyue asked me for my gpa, i felt ashamed, i felt like, troubled and this stupid sinking feeling in my heart...why, its just cos..i noe i didnt put my best this yr, i completely give up revising on the last days! i watched tv b4 history exam, the whole afternoon..and i actually know quite well that history is wonderfully my worst subject...

its like when i finally fely i sorted everything, out, telling myself to study hard next yr, or even just finish doing my holiday homework, i procrastinate like siao...and it make me doubt whether i can really do it! am i able to like really put my heart down and revise? am i able to hav the heart to really really work hard? and come to think of it, the first yr in rgs was so fast! in a flash, it was gone, im still so quite sometimes and i noe i hate it...its just i feel..like so ..like rude if i were to like get so talkative with a person i just know!

its like all the bad feeling came bad all at once, just nice it clashes with the contrast of china, where the speed or wateva u call it was like slower...and more peaceful, now i really udnerstand why my fren said that china is better than singapore, but probably also cos of the relatives and no sch...but how come i hav a feeling that sch there would be better? i dunno...im just afraid that my next yr would be just like this yr, going with the flow, trying to get some more attention, acting(i dunno whether its my real self or not..)happy and cheerful, etc...i dunno...i really dunno...

i dunno wat i wan...is it..someone to really understand me? or is it some sort of blessing from God to be a hardworking person or wat? i really really dunno...its like...hey, i need some sort of help to get myself from this sort of darkness, and when some ppl really ask, like, u need any help? i dunno what to say, i dunno what i wan...its like screaming in this darkness or sth...argh...help...

help....